The Dark Night of the Soul
by AshieMac1985
Summary: Loki is alone and mourning his inability to be honest about his emotions. What will happen when Thor shows up, will Loki let him in or push him away? Rubbish summary, sorry. The story is better, I promise.


**Author's note:** I am effectively Loki, except I've had no one to be my Thor. I write and act out my emotions in the guise of other people/characters so I don't lose my mind...thought I'd share. Not trying to be angsty or an attention whore, just honest with someone, anyone...and that's you. Pretty sure my family would implode if they ever realized they don't know me like they think they do after my 27 years of being alive. Disregard this note if you like, I don't mind.

Loki sat in the dim light of his room, the door locked and the book in front of him long ago abandoned. He was deep in bitter, painful thoughts and tears ran unchecked down his face. It was times like these, alone and in the dark, that he could only begin to give release to the myriad of emotions he hid away from the world.

These times were few and far between given the usually busy status of the palace, but today, thankfully, it was quiet. Silently, Loki wept over all that had been and all that could have been, he had so many regrets, missed opportunities and tricks and barbs he could never take back no matter how much he wished to. He knew no way to give a voice to these issues, no way to apologize without bringing unwanted attention to his true self. His biggest regret was not being able to tell people the truth about himself.

Loki sobbed and then stilled, almost sure he'd heard footsteps stop outside his door. He sat stock still in the dark starting at the door, not daring to breath. _Go away,_ he willed, _Just go away...go away._

He heard a hand rest on the door knob, weight shifted on the feet and the knob turned. Finding the door locked, a low voice came from the other side of the door.

"Loki...? Are you in there?"

Thor.

Loki lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, if he were quiet, Thor would believe he was out and leave. Sure enough, a few minutes later, Thor's footsteps continued down the hallway. Loki rolled over in bed, shaking from fear. Every time he got like this he longed for someone to find him and comfort him. To hold him close and tell him everything was okay. But when the few times he had been nearly discovered were utterly terrifying to the god.

Exhausted from his emotional outburst and the close call with Thor, Loki fell into a deep sleep. For an hour or more he was dead to the world, only stirring when a draft of cool air caressed his face and lifted the hair on his forehead. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up and looked around his room. There was very little light as it was late, but he could not fail to see the silhouette of Thor against the night sky at the window.

Hoping Thor was asleep and hadn't noticed him wake up, Loki quietly lay back down.

"Brother." came the low rumbling voice from the window.

Loki swallowed "...Thor?"

"You know it is I. Why did you not answer me earlier? What troubled your mind?"

"It is not my mind..." Loki muttered to himself.

"What is it then?" Thor crossed the dark room and sat on the edge of the bed. Loki moved away from his touch when Thor reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. A gesture of comfort Loki just could not handle. Thor frowned at Loki's reaction, the silence stretching between them, separating them.

"Loki...you know you can tell me anything. Let me help."

Even in the darkness, Loki could feel Thor's gaze searching his face for an answer. The tenderness of Thor's voice made Loki answer without meaning to.

"My heart is sore with grief..." Realizing he'd spoken, Loki's head shot up, green eyes wide and he made to move further away from the other man. Thor reached out and wrapped a warm hand gently around Loki's wrist.

"Be still, Brother, and tell me troubles your heart so."

"Everything! Everything troubles my heart!" Loki burst out angrily...if he could stay angry, he might be okay. He pulled his wrist from out of Thor's grasp and again tried to leave the bed. But Thor's large arms wrapped around Loki's waist and pulled him into his lap. Loki struggled, physical contact would be the undoing of him, he craved the comfort but the intimacy of it, the knowing of the other person, terrified him. He struggled in Thor's embrace, but it was in vain, as Thor reached a hand up to stroke Loki's hair and whisper,

"Hush, Loki...I promise it will be okay."

Loki trembled and a tear slid down his cheek before he was able to regain himself.

"I have always been a liar, why would I tell the truth now? And why to _you_?" The words were meant to be harsh, to wound, to push Thor away, but the voice that said them was soft and sad, a feeble echo of the voice it would have been in the daylight.

_You may as well tell him, _said the voice of reason in Loki's head, _he is clearly not going to go away without an answer._

"It is just...that...I am sad. It will pass." The truth, but not the truth- it would have to do.

"I can see that you are sad, Loki. But why? What has upset you, brought you to tears? That is not like you."

"But it is like me!" Loki cried, "It is and I can never give voice to it!" His voice was pure anguish, his body tense and struggling again in Thor's arms.

"What do you mean? Help me to understand." Thor's voice was the softest of whispers, so as not to spook Loki into silence or hurting himself as he struggled.

"Lies, they are all I know. Everyday since we were children I have lied...about how I feel. Hidden my emotions away because I was always so different..." Loki could not seem to stop now, "With every lie I told, every time I said I was 'fine' or 'go away', I was silently pleading for someone to notice my lies and call me out on them. I could not bring myself to tell the truth, I needed someone to force me to, to prove they cared enough about me to do more than take me and my words at face value and no one did...no one did!"

Loki gasped for breath after his outburst and sobbed. He was shaking and rocking back and forth slightly, he suddenly stilled as realization of what he'd just done hit him. Thor's arms were lose around him now and Loki managed to free himself. He was consumed by the fear that he'd ruined everything between them. He fled to the rooftop garden above his room, another of his refuges.

Thor was momentarily shocked by Loki's words and, therefore, unable to stop his flight. Quickly he followed Loki up to the garden. It looked empty, but a closer search found a huddled form attempting to hide beside a large urn filled with ivy. The moonlight shone on Loki's dark hair and he pulled his knees up to his chest and hid his face and sobbed. Thor crouched down in front of the smaller god and slid his fingers under his chin, lifting his head up to meet his eyes.

"Why, Loki?"

Loki looked at Thor, each man's confusion mirrored on the other's face.

"Why did you run?" Thor asked gently. He sat down and moved his hand to hold his brother's.

Loki shook his head, unable to speak, he tried to pull his hand from Thor's but failed. Again, Thor moved his hand, this time to rub Loki's back.

"Take your time, I am not going to leave you."

Loki made a noise that sounded like a cross between a sob and rather sad laugh.

"Everyone leaves me...and they should, I am cruel and deceitful. That is why I ran."

"You are not cruel or deceitful, you are misunderstood. Now tell me why you ran." Thor settled back in front of Loki, he wanted to watch his face as he spoke.

"I told you, I ran because I am not fit company for one such as yourself."

"Loki...even I recognize that as a lie..." Thor tucked a strand of dark hair behind Loki's ear. Green eyes were raised and met blue, and suddenly Loki couldn't stop himself again.

"I ran because I have ruined everything between us! We cannot go back now, not to the way we were!" There was pain in his voice and on his face. "Now you know my deepest feelings, you _know_, and I cannot take them back, I cannot make you forget them...Emotions are the chink in every god's armor, let people see that the chink exists and you will be at their mercy for the rest of your life."

"I do not want to forget them." Thor cocked his head to the side and studied his brother's face. "I will not hurt you, you know that. Loki..."

He was cut off, "You say that now, but I am neither good nor kind. Someday I will do or say something that angers you enough to fight back and I will wish this night had never happened..."

"Loki, I will _never_ hurt you."

"Do not be foolish Thor, we are gods, we hate."

"No, we love."

Thor's fingers gently wiped the tears from Loki's face and he kissed his forehead. Loki's eyes grew wide at such an outright show of affection.

"Love..? I do not know the meaning of the word. My loving family proved to be a false construct." Loki was, again, struggling to get back to the place where he could be indifferent and angry, and still failing.

"I have always loved you, I still do and I will continue to do so. Nothing will change that."

Loki moved further away, longing to be both farther away and closer to Thor at the same time. "Please, just go away..." Loki said weakly.

"I would have gone before tonight, but not now. Not know that I know." Thor reached out to Loki, who started at the contact. "Why are you so afraid to be loved? You long for it, you practically said so yourself. Why do you still push me away?" There was a sadness in Thor's voice that made Loki look at him, almost against his will.

"All I know are lies and half-truths, love is unknown and frightening to me."

Thor was sure his heart had just broken, "You would rather avoid momentary fear than let me love you?" Thor's voice was full of pain and formed in Thor's eyes and spilled down his cheeks, he gripped Loki's shoulders tightly. "It does not matter, I still love you...even if you do not love me."

Loki's eyes widened in alarm at the sight of Thor being so openly upset. "Thor, no...it is not that I do not love you...I do. It is just I have no idea how to show you, how to tell you. No one has ever chosen to love me...Please, please do not cry." Loki was slightly breathless and sounded panicked. As if he feared Thor would walk away despite his words. The trickster wiped Thor's tears away and kissed his cheek. The small show of affection helped to cease Thor's tears. The larger god pulled Loki into his lap and cradled him to his chest.

"I will show you how to love, Brother. Just stay with me and promise you will tell me if you feel disheartened like this again. Part of love, is worrying about the other in your life. Another part is helping them through their pain. And another is being able to take joy in their joys. It is an amazing, complex and, yes, terrifying, feeling, But you are never alone, so it is okay."

Loki nodded, and snuggled close to Thor- he was exhausted. "I think I can manage that if you are with me." he murmured into Thor's hair.

Thor smiled softly, "I think we are going to be okay, Darling. One step at a time..."

Loki slowly drifted off to sleep and Thor picked him up with ease. Carefully he carried his brother back down to his room and placed him in his bed. As he drew the covers around the man's slim form, he kissed his forehead. Then he settled back down into the chair by the window to watch the sun rise. He would be there when Loki awoke...Thor would always be there when Loki needed him.


End file.
